There can be a constant battle between letting go and holding onto all the things that mean something to us. The word ‘surrender’ has recently floated into my abyss and it has made me think. To me, surrender is the act of handing over the illusion of control to a higher power and sitting in trust. I, however, do not always find this easy.
I find it natural to loosen my grip, in the moment, on a situation, person or loved one, no matter how difficult it may feel and how much pain it causes. I also believe that I act with as much compassion and level headedness as I am capable of in any given moment that requires it.
However, I find that, though in the moment I can let go and let life dictate the next move, sometimes feelings linger. These feelings are not necessarily unpleasant. They can range from feelings of longing, nostalgia and joy to sadness, resentment and grief.
Moments in time that I loved so dearly are imprinted in my memory, but in the same breath, so are the moments that brought so much ache and shock.
Over the past few years I have been faced with an array of memories that evoke emotions at both ends of the spectrum. Through facing each one alone in my journey and confiding in God, I have been able to move on again and again, letting go of all expectations of how I wished life to flow.
I have let myself feel each emotion, elation to devastation, and here I am now, stronger than before and richer in knowledge of self and love. The great lessons of life forcefully taught me to surrender. That was the only way through.
If I hadn’t, I would still be stuck in sourness, distrusting of my story and the way things had to be.
That being said, the word ‘surrender’ has come up many times recently and the initial thought it brought up was that I needed to practise it more.
Why? Well, I see that the hardest times for me to surrender are when other people are involved. There is a big part of me that hates the idea of someone feeling uncomfortable.
And so, if I am put in a situation where I believe I can avoid this, I will try to control everything to make sure the people in my company are welcomed and comfy. But in the process I am so switched on, I myself am not surrendering.
But this has always been me. I cannot remember a time when I was not like that. So is it really something I need to practise more, or just accept?
I shall just surrender to the awareness and see where this takes me…
I see how surrender comes hand in hand with trust.
Trusting is surrendering to divinity. Surrendering is allowing and accepting.